Sure, it starts innocently enough. The way most flings do.

What can it hurt to have a couple of mimosas? A piece of avocado toast? It’s not like this one breakfast will start you on a downward spiral of pancake eating and an insulin-spiking binge that will last for months.

It’s just brunch. A seemingly harmless breakfast gathering that includes bottomless alcoholic beverages and people with lowered inhibitions because of that aforementioned booze.

Brunch is dangerous because brunch is sneaky. You think it’ll be a tame affair, but before you know it, you’re not only off your diet but engrossed in a conversation that quickly becomes a snarky gossip session about everyone you know.

And suddenly, quicker than you can say “eggs benedict,” you and your alcohol-laden tongue are saying all sorts of stuff that should’ve been kept in the equivalent of a cartoon thought bubble.

But unbeknownst to you, the people around your holy table of brunch are absorbing all that gossipy knowledge you’re dropping. And despite everyone’s impaired memories, it will eventually get spread to the person whom you’re talking about. Brunch ruins relationships.

Furthermore, brunch ruins productivity. It takes all morning and costs a ton of money. For me, it’s a total waste of time and funds. Sure, you might argue that spending time with friends isn’t a waste – and while that is true – you can find a much more cost-effective way to do that!

I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I just don’t understand why a simple dish of scrambled eggs and a few mimosas (the weakest, most overrated drink ever, by the way) needs to be dragged into a three-hour drinking sesh where you wind up with a bill for $80 dollars.

I mean, I get that everyone likes an excuse to booze early in the day, but brunch seems so dishonest. Because, oh, if you decide to wake up and drink Jack Daniels for breakfast in bed, then you’re an alcoholic! But if you put on a spaghetti strap sundress and go out to a fancy hotel where you splurge on overpriced pomegranate mimosas, that makes you classy. Bitch, you’re still acting like an alcoholic!

Brunch is also wildly inefficient. Not only is it a waste of time, but the rest of your day will be completely shot. Show me anybody that can spend three hours in the morning eating and drinking and still accomplish something in the afternoon. Brunch literally ruins the rest of your day. Hope you weren’t planning to do anything besides lie on your couch and dread Monday!

But I’m not just here to complain about brunch. I’m here to solve your weekend dilemma of what to do instead of a trendy, excruciatingly long, sorry excuse for a breakfast.

Here are a few brunch alternatives:

1 – Sleep more. Sleep in. It’s the weekend. You deserve it.

2 – Make unlimited mimosas at home while watching Netflix. Hey, they’re bottomless and while you drink them, you can be bottomless.

3 – Host your own millennial brunch at your house, and invite all your friends. You can serve almond flour pop-tarts, gluten-free ice cubes, cocktails with organic whipped raspberry foam… you name it! And then hit your friends with a bill for $80 as they stumble out the door.