As a kid, I played a lot of Pac Man. One of the lessons it taught me (in addition to eating whatever pills I find in alleys) was the value of fruit. Like that big, yellow pill popper, I reward myself with fresh fruit throughout the day, depending on the difficulty of what I have accomplished.
LEVELS 1-5: Keep it simple in the morning in the interest of pacing yourself. No need to go beyond apples and oranges. They both have their attributes, but comparing apples and oranges is like comparing…uh…two thing that are kind of the same but very different from each other. It’s like comparing, like, grapes and…staplers? If I can get through my morning screaming at only a few people, that’s a reward.
LEVELS 6-15: As Pac Man progresses, I do the same. The mazes seem to get bigger and the dumbass pink ghost seems to get faster. If I accomplish anything in the afternoon without vowing bloody revenge upon a barista and only having 2 aneurysms, more fruit rewards! Don’t be afraid to get all exotic and decadent with some pineapple or maybe a banana. Also, not sure who thought a big pretzel would fit in with the fruit theme, but if it’s good enough for Pac Man, it’s good enough for me.
LEVELS 16 +: If you have ever made it this far in Pac Man, you know that all bets are off and by now you’re running on pure adrenaline! More apples! Grapes! Did I see a key in there? It doesn’t matter, just go go GO! We would all like to eat nothing but fresh fruit all day, but some of us have to work for a living, you dumbass pink ghost! I will destroy this maze!! Who’s got another quarter, damnit?!
I digress. The same place where you buy M&Ms and Red Bull also probably sells fruit. Pick that two days a week and you’ll live longer. That’s all I’m trying to say. I need to get out of this arcade now because the guy who works here is trying to find my mom.
Alpha Bitch Out.